Grief and loss

Duration: 4:29

RNZFB Child and Family worker talks about "Grief and Loss". This is a "BLENNZ: Information for families" video.

The issue of grief and loss is talked about a lot when it comes to families but I have learned over the years that each family does that at different times and to never presume. To never presume that when you meet them the first time that it's on top of their thinking. That's something that takes time away from their child and from their attention to their child. The reality around many families, certainly when their child is very young, is that they are very focussed on development, they are very focussed on moving forwards, and they are very focussed on step after step after step.

There isn't that much time to consider, "Where am I at with this?" It usually happens when a confrontation arises, like you've hit a flat road for a while and nothing changes, or you've come across an obstacle that you didn't expect was g and suddenly you realise that your situation is different.

If I can illustrate this, I worked with this family, many, many years ago, and that's how I learnt really. Who when I came to see them for the first time, it was an older couple, who had a multi-disabled child with very little vision and me being the professional, I thought I should raise the issues of grief and loss with them. And when I did that the first time, on my first visit, probably not even having gained the trust as yet, the mother quite tersely said to me, "We're very happy with our child, we don't grieve at all" - exactly as how I present it to you now. So the physical and the facial expression gave a very different story than what was actually going on. But what it also indicated was how inappropriate it was for me to ask at that point. How disrespectful it was of me.

Three years later, I kept in touch with this family, built a very good relationship with the family and three years later we were somewhere in a social setting and I could sense that she was very different, not her usual self. So I asked her how she was and whether she was alright. And she said, "I realise, today, that my son will never see this, will never experience this, will never see that", and that was the first time that the realizations sank in about limitations. Those were first signals of grief. Then we could talk about that. Then we could work with it. Then we could provide a place where that could be shared, where a foundation could be built to move from it really and to come to terms with it.

People say to me "acceptance". And when people say to me, "I've accepted it", I am horrified, because, what have you accepted? That it's OK? Most cases, it's never OK, but you learn to live with it and that's what "coming to terms with it" for me is about - learning to live with. And when things go well, even the smallest steps and you celebrate them. Life's pretty good. But when you hit an obstacle it can all fall over, just like that. And it's that road, and it has lots of steep hills in it and it's very much like this, and hopefully at some stage in life will go like this. For some people it's a short process, for some people it's a life long process. And they are entitled to a life-long process, as long as they move with it.

Many thanks to Gary Veenstra and the RNZFB.